why am i so unable to do cool things myself ?

this post might be a little different from my other ones , since its a bit of a vent . if youre not comfortable w that , i dont suggest reading

for a while , ive had a constant struggle to achieve perfection or greatness through talent . ive attempted so many hobbies , like playing the piano , crocheting , even making rentries and carrds and discord servers , and of course : coding this website . but i cant seem to be able to do any of it on my own . i always need some type of help or inspiration , like templates or tutorials . and i hate it . why am i so imcompitent ? how is everyone else in the world talented but im not ? its honestly not fair .

despite accepting that they probably have more experience than me , i often have fits of jealous rage and hatred for people more talented than me , and its taken an insane mental toll on my life . my biggest hobby used to be sketching , but i hated my drawings and lack of talent to the point where i would rip my hair out and scream if my art didnt look as good as i wanted it to . i dont want to hate others for being better than me . i want to be friends with them , so that they could help me improve and be better . but it seems like i just cant . my anger issues r making me insane , but my lack of originality and creativity is infinitely worse . not only am i just unable to do anything without help , but im also bad with designs and layouts . i just never know how to lay anything out .

there will never be a universe where i dont hate myself for everything i wasnt able to do .

 

from the trenches ,

pearl